I know writing this letter, you most likely will never read, nor care, but I must put feeling to rest; to ultimately forgive you. I need to let all ill-mannered feelings go. Hence, my reason writing to you. I never hated you. I told myself I should for everything you personally put me and the family through, but I deep down in my heart, love you. The immensity of this robust love, you will never know. I think it is has been innately in me, from the minute I was born, and knew I had a big brother to emulate after. It wasn't very hard; you were always smarter, faster, and Dad always seemed to listen to you first. You were always able to go anywhere you wished, where as I always had to have several reasons, and Dad needed to know, the "who". I always looked up to you, wanted to be just like you.... No matter what.!
As we grew into our teenage years, life began to change, and dramatically. You were different... You became a different person. I didn't know this person. I wasn't sure I even wanted to.?
I don't know whether it was the pressures of high school, or living in the house. But this new person, was no longer my best friend. I was afraid of him. I was scared for him. As I got a little older, I realized that maybe this was a phase you were going through, as all teenage boys go through, but as the years progressed, I was so wrong. My best friend, my brother was gone.! I was all alone. No one to turn to.
I have recently began going to an acupuncturist. He had a lot of insightful words of wisdom for me. He said the root of many of my problems, well, were in me. My anger. I needed to forgive all whom have hurt me, and move on. This task is not an easy one.
Many years have passed, and I still have an angst in my heart for you. You have missed so many important things in my life. All of my greatest achievements. The latest, my new husband, Joe. I know you would really like him, (everyone likes him). I am so very sorry that you aren't around for fun times. Just family stuff.
Even though I know now we are worlds apart, I still miss my brother, what used to be my best friend. I know in my heart, I must set myself free. Free of feeling so much pain, for you. I forgive you. I know it means absolutely nothing to you. I must let go, let go of all of the pain, that does not let me move free with my life.
Just know, I will always be your sister.