Monday, January 18, 2010

My Brother...January 18,2010

Dear Garth,

I know writing this letter, you most likely will never read, nor care, but I must put feeling to rest; to ultimately forgive you. I need to let all ill-mannered feelings go. Hence, my reason writing to you. I never hated you. I told myself I should for everything you personally put me and the family through, but I deep down in my heart, love you. The immensity of this robust love, you will never know. I think it is has been innately in me, from the minute I was born, and knew I had a big brother to emulate after. It wasn't very hard; you were always smarter, faster, and Dad always seemed to listen to you first. You were always able to go anywhere you wished, where as I always had to have several reasons, and Dad needed to know, the "who". I always looked up to you, wanted to be just like you.... No matter what.!
As we grew into our teenage years, life began to change, and dramatically. You were different... You became a different person. I didn't know this person. I wasn't sure I even wanted to.?
I don't know whether it was the pressures of high school, or living in the house. But this new person, was no longer my best friend. I was afraid of him. I was scared for him. As I got a little older, I realized that maybe this was a phase you were going through, as all teenage boys go through, but as the years progressed, I was so wrong. My best friend, my brother was gone.! I was all alone. No one to turn to.
I have recently began going to an acupuncturist. He had a lot of insightful words of wisdom for me. He said the root of many of my problems, well, were in me. My anger. I needed to forgive all whom have hurt me, and move on. This task is not an easy one.
Many years have passed, and I still have an angst in my heart for you. You have missed so many important things in my life. All of my greatest achievements. The latest, my new husband, Joe. I know you would really like him, (everyone likes him). I am so very sorry that you aren't around for fun times. Just family stuff.
Even though I know now we are worlds apart, I still miss my brother, what used to be my best friend. I know in my heart, I must set myself free. Free of feeling so much pain, for you. I forgive you. I know it means absolutely nothing to you. I must let go, let go of all of the pain, that does not let me move free with my life.
Just know, I will always be your sister.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Day 1. Continuation...

So in order to be 'right" in my own head, I am supposed to be making peace with people who have hurt me. People who have really pissed me off. How do I begin?

I guess a lot of the pain began when my parents got a divorce. I was just a small child, but the negative effects seem seem to linger on, and on.... My dad was off to work as a police officer, and my "wonderful" grandmother was at home with my brother ( whom I might add is two years older), and I . How do I describe my grams... She is an old, stubborn woman who drove my mother away. Until meeting my husband, she was as nasty as ever. I know, because she has informed me several times, that my parents made a mistake bringing us into the world. Nice, right? She was always pointing the finger, "Audra did this... and do you know how long your daughter was on the phone with her friends"? She was very emotionally abusive, and I know my brother would atest to this, if he was around, or for that matter in my life. It was always, you aren't good for anything, and you are just a little bitch! My father for as long as I can remember always took my grams side. Must be a mother- son thing.
As far as grandmothers went, I was under the impression they are all loving, caring, and compassionate people. Not with Rose. She was the complete opposite. She hated my very existence. It was so unfortunate. The only way I knew what an awesome grandparent was, was due to Nana. My mother's mother. I miss her so much. Ok, back to the matter at hand. I need to begin to forgive those that hurt me, it might take awhile.
Day 1. January 10th, 2010

I had many things to think about after seeing a doctor that specializes in Holistic Medicine. He was making inquires and asking me questions that over my experience of seeing doctors, have never asked. . I was so impressed at just the amount of time he spent learning about me. I was told that I am angry. That whatever angers me is keeping me from a good quality of life. I agreed. I think the doctor was surprised that in our first meeting, I was able to see his point of view, and come to many realizations, I have seen before but never wanted to believe.
I am an angry person, I guess by nature. Since I was in high school, I can always remember holding onto situations, from the past and never fully allowing myself to just "let go".
I have been suffering with migraines since the age of 19. Over the years, I have been struggling with many aliments, a wide range of problems.
I was diagnosed having Aleopecia when I was 24. The experience was awful. I remember one day driving in my car on Route 17, when I just happened to look in the mirror, and what I saw "scared the hell out of me". Hair was literally coming out in clumps. I knew something seriously was wrong. I immediately called my mother, whom at the time had been living in Rutherford, NJ. She was of course her usual calm self, very soothing, and told me not to worry. I remember thinking I was sick, cancer, oh the thoughts perusing through my mind....were endless. You see I have always considered myself to be a very analytical person. Very inquisitive at the very least.